Have you ever been on a first date and the person sitting across from you at the table talked about himself the entire time?
I have. He talked at me, not with me. Nonstop.
And, he didn’t ask me any questions about myself the whole night. Not one! I was surprised, and a bit annoyed. It seemed rude to me, but I didn’t know at the time what to say to him or how to stand up for myself.
Needless to say, I never saw Mr. Endless Talker again.
On the converse, it can be awkwardly silent on a date because you or the other person—or both of you—seem to have nothing to say.
Whether there’s too much or not enough talking, we can all benefit by learning better conversational skills. In doing so, we will not only have better first dates, but we’ll have better relationships in general. People feel more connected when they are heard and respected.
Thankfully, good conversational skills can be learned.
A good conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.
Think of having a conversation like playing tennis. In tennis, a good volley is hitting the ball back and forth. For a good conversation, you need both talking and listening—hitting the “conversational tennis ball” back and forth.
In essence, you don’t want to continually bombard your date with questions or dominate the conversation (which would be like serving multiple tennis balls and not letting your partner hit them back into your court).
You also want to respond—not just be silent or give short “yes or no” answers all the time. That would be like the other person serving a bunch of tennis balls into your court and just letting them fall at your feet, not returning them.
Conversationally speaking, you’ve dropped the ball.
Great conversations happen—and you get better connected with each other—when there’s a balance of both people talking and listening. It’s a good volley of the conversational tennis ball, back and forth. You feel heard and respected, and so does your date.
Here are some helpful tips for having better conversations:
• Keep it light. Steer clear of negativity or complaining about your past relationships or breakups. And if the topic comes up, you can always be honest and brief, and move on to discussing something else.
• Don’t make it all about yourself. It’s difficult to be with someone who monopolizes the conversation. It’s impolite and disrespectful.
• Be interested in getting to know your date. One way to do so is by asking open-ended questions, which give you more information, not just a yes or no reply.
• Ask follow-up questions. It shows that you’re curious and you want to know more. For instance, let’s say you asked your date, “What’s one of your favorite places you’ve traveled to?” She says, “Anna Maria Island, Florida.” You could follow-up with a question like, “What did you like best about the island?” She replies, “I loved walking on the sandy beach, the ocean view, and the fresh seafood.” Soon the conversation is flowing.
• Listen. When you ask a question, don’t be so concerned with what you’re going to say next. Aim to listen and hear what your date is saying. Listening shows you care and it builds trust.
• Offer information about yourself. If the other person doesn’t ask you a question directly, start talking about a topic of interest to you. For instance, “I love to travel. One place I’d love to visit someday is Fiji. Have you ever been there?”
• Body language. Don’t underestimate the value of a sincere smile and good eye contact.
• Be aware. Throughout the course of the date, ask yourself, “Am I talking too much? Am I letting the other person jump in? Have I asked him or her any questions about themselves?”
Great conversation starters
What are some things to talk about on a first date?
Discuss your hobbies and interests—and ask the other person about favorite ways to spend time.
You could bring up topics such as travel, books, music, movies, your favorite restaurants, future goals, and the like. Ask about his family. Ask her where she grew up, and what she liked about it.
You may need to interrupt
Sometimes a conversational situation becomes dire. If your date has been droning on and on, not giving you a chance to talk, you may need to break the rule and interrupt him or her. Of course, you can do so kindly, yet firmly.
For instance, you could interject by saying one of these options:
• I’d like to say something…
• Before you go on, let me say ….
• (Say his or her name) Kyle, I just want to say…
• Or, you could set a time boundary and then excuse yourself to leave. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get going…”
Bottom line: Be genuinely interested in the other person. You don’t have to say or do all the right things, or be perfect. As the poet Maya Angelou once said,
People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
--Maya Angelou
Remember, it’s a first date, not a job interview (so you don’t have to interrogate the other person), and it’s not a lifetime commitment. It’s a “look see” (to look and see if you want to get to know him or her more).
So, be yourself. Talk and listen. Be curious. Ask questions of your date and offer information about yourself. Keep a positive attitude. And have fun!
I have. He talked at me, not with me. Nonstop.
And, he didn’t ask me any questions about myself the whole night. Not one! I was surprised, and a bit annoyed. It seemed rude to me, but I didn’t know at the time what to say to him or how to stand up for myself.
Needless to say, I never saw Mr. Endless Talker again.
On the converse, it can be awkwardly silent on a date because you or the other person—or both of you—seem to have nothing to say.
Whether there’s too much or not enough talking, we can all benefit by learning better conversational skills. In doing so, we will not only have better first dates, but we’ll have better relationships in general. People feel more connected when they are heard and respected.
Thankfully, good conversational skills can be learned.
A good conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.
Think of having a conversation like playing tennis. In tennis, a good volley is hitting the ball back and forth. For a good conversation, you need both talking and listening—hitting the “conversational tennis ball” back and forth.
In essence, you don’t want to continually bombard your date with questions or dominate the conversation (which would be like serving multiple tennis balls and not letting your partner hit them back into your court).
You also want to respond—not just be silent or give short “yes or no” answers all the time. That would be like the other person serving a bunch of tennis balls into your court and just letting them fall at your feet, not returning them.
Conversationally speaking, you’ve dropped the ball.
Great conversations happen—and you get better connected with each other—when there’s a balance of both people talking and listening. It’s a good volley of the conversational tennis ball, back and forth. You feel heard and respected, and so does your date.
Here are some helpful tips for having better conversations:
• Keep it light. Steer clear of negativity or complaining about your past relationships or breakups. And if the topic comes up, you can always be honest and brief, and move on to discussing something else.
• Don’t make it all about yourself. It’s difficult to be with someone who monopolizes the conversation. It’s impolite and disrespectful.
• Be interested in getting to know your date. One way to do so is by asking open-ended questions, which give you more information, not just a yes or no reply.
• Ask follow-up questions. It shows that you’re curious and you want to know more. For instance, let’s say you asked your date, “What’s one of your favorite places you’ve traveled to?” She says, “Anna Maria Island, Florida.” You could follow-up with a question like, “What did you like best about the island?” She replies, “I loved walking on the sandy beach, the ocean view, and the fresh seafood.” Soon the conversation is flowing.
• Listen. When you ask a question, don’t be so concerned with what you’re going to say next. Aim to listen and hear what your date is saying. Listening shows you care and it builds trust.
• Offer information about yourself. If the other person doesn’t ask you a question directly, start talking about a topic of interest to you. For instance, “I love to travel. One place I’d love to visit someday is Fiji. Have you ever been there?”
• Body language. Don’t underestimate the value of a sincere smile and good eye contact.
• Be aware. Throughout the course of the date, ask yourself, “Am I talking too much? Am I letting the other person jump in? Have I asked him or her any questions about themselves?”
Great conversation starters
What are some things to talk about on a first date?
Discuss your hobbies and interests—and ask the other person about favorite ways to spend time.
You could bring up topics such as travel, books, music, movies, your favorite restaurants, future goals, and the like. Ask about his family. Ask her where she grew up, and what she liked about it.
You may need to interrupt
Sometimes a conversational situation becomes dire. If your date has been droning on and on, not giving you a chance to talk, you may need to break the rule and interrupt him or her. Of course, you can do so kindly, yet firmly.
For instance, you could interject by saying one of these options:
• I’d like to say something…
• Before you go on, let me say ….
• (Say his or her name) Kyle, I just want to say…
• Or, you could set a time boundary and then excuse yourself to leave. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get going…”
Bottom line: Be genuinely interested in the other person. You don’t have to say or do all the right things, or be perfect. As the poet Maya Angelou once said,
People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
--Maya Angelou
Remember, it’s a first date, not a job interview (so you don’t have to interrogate the other person), and it’s not a lifetime commitment. It’s a “look see” (to look and see if you want to get to know him or her more).
So, be yourself. Talk and listen. Be curious. Ask questions of your date and offer information about yourself. Keep a positive attitude. And have fun!
Jackie M. Johnson is an author and blogger who writes inspiring content on growing a better life, the power of prayer, and encouragement for singles. Jackie has a heart to encourage single adults of all ages, and she has led numerous small groups and Bible studies for singles. Her books include the breakup recovery guide, When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty, Power Prayers for Women, and Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough. Connect with Jackie at JackieJohnsonCreative.com.
