We all have bad habits we want to break and good habits we desire to start—especially in the areas of dating and relationships.
Maybe you’re tired of dating guys who talk about themselves all the time. Or, you’re with someone who says nothing, and you long for good conversation.
Perhaps you want a relationship with someone who’s running after God too—actively practicing his or her faith—not drifting or indifferent.
Or, could it be that you’re the one who always shows up late, or wounds people with your out-of-control sarcasm—a type of anger in disguise?
Sure, you may want to do things differently. But it’s not always easy to change. That’s where habits come in.
A habit is something you do often or regularly; it’s a repeated way of behaving, good or bad. Sometimes you’re not even aware of it.
Why are habits so important? Primarily, habits help us to achieve our goals. They may seem like small things, but habits can either lead you toward your goals or away from them.
For instance, a healthy habit like brushing your teeth every day will help you to keep your teeth longer and avoid problems.
While an unhealthy habit, such as constantly complaining or being critical, will make it hard for a person to maintain long term relationships because it’s difficult to be around an incessantly negative person.
Bottom line: “The habits you have today are shaping who you will become tomorrow,” says Craig Groeschel in his book, The Power to Change: Mastering the Habits That Matter Most.
So if you don’t like where they’re taking you, he says to change your habits.
How can you build healthy habits and dismantle unhealthy ones in your relationships?
It starts by identifying and practicing healthy relationship habits and aiming to get rid of unhealthy ones—or running from them if they’re being demonstrated by the person you’re dating or getting to know. What are some healthy and unhealthy habits in dating and relationships?
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP HABITS
Things to start doing:
Love yourself and don't change who you are for the approval of others.
Communicate openly. Be honest and genuine. Learn to express your thoughts and feelings. Actively listen without interrupting. Ask questions to clarify and seek to understand the other person’s perspective.
Be present. Don’t constantly look at your phone or device. Eye contact shows you are paying attention and that you care about the other person.
Respect boundaries by communicating your needs and limits clearly. Use the word “no” and stick to your convictions. Respect your partner's boundaries as well. Don’t let someone pressure you into doing things you don’t feel comfortable with or would displease the Lord.
Be willing to compromise, but also balance your own needs. Be open to meeting the other person halfway on decisions. Discuss issues and try to find solutions that work for both of you.
Show appreciation. Say “thank you” when someone does or says something nice. Offer sincere compliments and give positive feedback.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP HABITS
Things to stop doing—or run from—in a relationship:
Ghosting. Cutting off communication with someone suddenly; disappearing from his
or her life without a word.
Rushing into displays of affection. Prioritizing physical attraction over emotional connection.
Controlling or manipulative behavior, lack of respect, emotional or physical abuse. Using guilt trips to get what you want.
Gaslighting. Distorting reality by making the other person doubt his or her thoughts. It’s another form of manipulation.
Lying, cheating, deceitfulness. None of these are acceptable and are a violation of biblical principles.
Excessive jealousy. Constantly questioning your boyfriend or girlfriend’s actions, or accusing that person of cheating without reason.
Lack of communication or poor communication. Not expressing feelings or avoiding difficult conversations.
Constant criticism. Putting you down, focusing on your flaws, or not saying anything positive.
Lack of respect for boundaries. Ignoring your personal space and decisions. For more on how to set healthy boundaries, click here.
Taking your partner for granted, not expressing gratitude for his or her efforts.
How to Break Bad Habits and Create Good Ones
Craig Groeschel, the author mentioned earlier, says that “you do what you do because of what you think of you.” Meaning, sometimes your identity gets skewed, and you make a habit of poor choices.
For instance, you may have a friend who dates guys who don’t treat her well, and she goes from one bad relationship to another. She always seems to attract the wrong men, but doesn’t know why or how to change.
For whatever reason, she views herself as unworthy of the love of a good man. That’s often because people feel they don’t deserve to be loved because of past trauma or family drama that leads to a twisted perspective of self.
The good news is that once you change what you think about yourself by knowing your God-given identity (your true worth and value), things start to change.
When you THINK differently, you ACT differently, and make better choices.
Who does God say you are? You are loved, forgiven, and accepted. You are a chosen and precious child of God. You are worthy, and you deserve to be loved well. You can read more about your true identity in Christ and learning to love yourself here.
Here are some helpful ways to change your habits.
instance, instead of saying, “I need to drink more water,” say, “I will aim to drink 8 glasses of water each day.” You may want to put a sticky note on your mirror or a timer on your cell phone to remind you.
Get motivated. Why do you want to make this change? Knowing your “why” will encourage you to keep on going and see positive results.
Try “habit-stacking.” Craig Groeschel talks about connecting a new habit to a current habit you’re already doing. For instance, say you want to start reading the Bible more each day. If you already drink coffee in the morning (a current habit) add on your new habit of reading the Bible to that. So, every day you drink your coffee and then read the Bible. One habit is linked to another.
For a habit you want to stop doing, Groeschel says that you have to remove the cue that triggers the habit that leads you in the wrong direction—or at least put up some roadblocks.
If you want to break the habit of getting up too late or oversleeping, for instance, something as simple as moving your phone or alarm clock to the other side of the room—not having it next to your bed—will make it more difficult to hit the snooze and help you get up on time. You have to get up to turn off the alarm.
Reward yourself. Celebrate even the small victories when you start a new habit or discard a bad one. That can motivate you to keep going.
The Power to Change
Where do you find the power to make better decisions and have better habits?
Sadly, willpower and attempts at self-control can only get you so far. And when you fail— and we all do—you can resonate with the apostle Paul when he said,
“I do not understand what I do.
For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do.”
(Romans 7:15)
Pray and ask God to help you to do what you can’t in your own human strength. Prayer is powerful because God is powerful. He enables us to do what we cannot. We need God’s power, working in and through us, to make real and lasting changes. Thankfully, God knows we’re not perfect.
Think about what’s working in your current relationships. And what habits you can improve. You may want to take some time to get away to pray—to talk with God and listen. Then make a plan for what you want to change.
Remember, with God, anything is possible. One choice at a time can bring about change. And your small habits can lead to big results, such as greater connection and joy in your relationships and in your life.
Jackie M. Johnson is an author and blogger who writes inspiring content on growing a better life, the power of prayer, and encouragement for singles. Jackie has a heart to encourage single adults of all ages, and she has led numerous small groups and Bible studies for singles. Her books include the breakup recovery guide, When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty, Power Prayers for Women, and Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough. Connect with Jackie at www.jackiejohnsoncreative.com.
