Breakups are hard. Whether someone left you, or you’re the one who ended the relationship, it can be an emotional and devastatingly difficult time.
That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.
Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a succession of relationships—attaching and detaching, dating and breaking up—over and over again from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t).
Indeed, the loss of love can be shattering, whether you dated briefly or for a long time. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find love again?
One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much. If you’re the one who left the relationship, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you need answers.
Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process of rejection and loss without falling to pieces?
Yes. Thankfully, yes.
Even though you may be heartbroken right now, a time will come when your darkness will turn to light, your sadness will fade, and joy will return.
Healing a broken heart is a journey. It involves dealing with endings, grieving losses, regaining confidence, and moving forward.
How to handle breakup pain
It’s not easy to handle the emotional pain of splitting up with someone you liked or loved. Often we turn to comfort foods, such as ice cream or something else, to try to soothe the sorrow. Some choose to drink away the pain or make other poor choices in the attempt to assuage their aching heart.
We all need comfort when we’re feeling low. But what happens when the ice cream carton is empty? Or other relief-seeking choices leave you feeling unfulfilled?
For true healing, we need to deal with endings—not ignoring the hurt and pain. How can we do that?
Here are helpful ways to get over a painful relationship breakup:
Have emotional boundaries. Limit contact with the person who broke up with you. You need to be away from this person in order to protect your heart from further injury and begin to heal. Perhaps you can be “just friends” one day, but first you need to heal.
Don’t call, text, or email the other person just to see how he or she is doing. You may be tempted to connect because that’s what you’re used to—it’s comfortable and familiar. But your goal is not connecting, it’s It feels awful, but that’s just part of the process.
Put his or her stuff away. It’s hard to move forward into your new future when mementos of your past are pulling you back. If you’re not ready to discard them, box up photos and treasured objects and put them in storage until the time is right to get rid of them.
Find true comfort in “the God all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3,4). His love, His presence, and His Word, the Bible, are healing gifts. Rest in the comfort of the Lord, the One who loves you more than you know.
Prayer is vital to your healing process. Start each day with prayer for healing and wisdom, and end each day with a prayer of thanks and gratitude for all He’s that done for you.
Talk with trusted friends or family members. We need comfort and support in our times of need. And telling your story can help to ease your heart’s pain and bring emotional healing. Talk with people who will listen, pray for and with you, and be there when you need companionship.
Write in a journal or notebook. When you write down your feelings on a page (whether it’s on paper or on a device), those emotions are no longer swirling inside your head. You can vent and release your pain in the privacy of your personal journal. Ask God what He wants you to learn from the relationship that just ended. He has valuable life lessons for every season of our lives, even the dark times.
Be encouraged, This is a time of transition. You’re going from a being a couple to a single, from a “we” to a “me.” Change takes time and we all handle it differently, so be good to yourself in the process.
Practice self-care. When your heart is hurting, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Self-care can take many forms. For instance, taking a walk in the beauty of God’s creation, buying fresh flowers, or getting more rest can be part of your healing. Treat yourself with kindness, with positive (not negative) self-talk.
Deal with your emotions. After a breakup, you might feel sadness, anger, rejection, betrayal, or fear. It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well, you grieve all the time. Learning to deal with the pain, not avoiding it, is essential to moving forward.
Forgive the other person—and forgive yourself. Forgiveness is the balm that heals the hurt. It’s not easy, but with God’s help it is possible. When the pain has been dealt with, you can let go and leave the past in the past.
Find community. Restoration often comes within relationships. So being in healthy and supportive relationships other than dating connections can be healing. As people treat you with kindness and acceptance, they reinforce the truths that you are worthy and have infinite value.
Trust God in your heart-healing journey. He is with you every step of the way.
For more information about how to get over a breakup, listen to Jackie M. Johnson’s 2 Part radio interview with Dr. James Dobson about her book When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty.
Book: When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty.
Jackie M. Johnson is an author and blogger who writes inspiring content on growing a better life, the power of prayer, and encouragement for singles. Jackie has a heart to encourage single adults of all ages, and she has led numerous small groups and Bible studies for singles. Her books include the breakup recovery guide, When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty, Power Prayers for Women, and Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough. Connect with Jackie at JackieJohnsonCreative.com.
