Tough Love: Three Women Who Tried It

For three decades Dr. James Dobson has been America’s leading authority and advocate for the family. Taken from the best-seller Love Must Be Tough, this Special Report is full of helpful information for moms and wives at all stages. Let’s read along now as Dr. Dobson discusses the ins and outs of tough love.

I wish that it might be possible for you, the reader, to get behind my eyes and perceive our subject as I see it, If only you could know intimately the brokenhearted husbands and wives I have counseled who floundered on a policy of appeasement and panic, and then with God’s help, discovered the principles of self-respect and romantic freedom. But more important, I wish I could convey the broader applicability of those concepts to those with healthy marriages, to dating teenagers and unmarried adults, to employers and parents and governments. Respect, the critical ingredient in human affairs, is generated by quiet dignity, self-confidence and common courtesy. It is assassinated by hand wringing, groveling in the dirt, and pleas for mercy.

Given the limitations of language in attempting to convey these concepts, it seems advantageous to let my friends tell their own stories. In this chapter are letters from three women who have been where Roger, Linda, Faye and Nancy are today. They wrote me in response to a series of radio programs devoted to the topic of this book. I think you will find their experience to be inspirational and enlightening.

We’ll begin with an anonymous letter from a very intelligent lady who knows the meaning of pain.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

After listening to your radio series, “Love Must Be Tough,” I would like to tell you my own story. It is difficult to discuss the facts, even today, because my husband was a prominent minister serving a large congregation before he fell into sin.

It all started when a man from our church appeared at my front door, asking if he could talk to me. He brought with him a letter which proved unmistakably that my husband was involved with another woman. I never dreamed that anything was going on and my shock was overwhelming. The man told me the full details, and after leaving, proceeded to tell the rest of the world. He reproduced the documents and circulated them throughout our church and all over town.

Dr. Dobson, never in my life have I felt so all alone as when this affair became public knowledge. I was treated like a “leper” by members of our congregation. My husband was immediately forced to resign, requiring us to move out of the parsonage. Suddenly, we had no home, no job, no money, and very few friends. We had given our lives to helping other people, but no one was there when we were down. I can’t describe the anger and scorn that was hurled at us. We were subjected to physical threats, harassment by mail and by phone, damage to our property, incredible gossip and false accusations. It was an awful time of our lives.

Not only had I lost everything overnight, but my marriage was about gone, too. Before moving, I went into my bedroom and fell on my face before God, asking Him to take over. He was the only one I could talk to. A person simply does not discuss such matters with those who don’t understand. Finally, the Lord directed me to a wise counselor who sat and listened to my story. I told him of my great guilt for the role I played in our problems and how terrible I felt. I’ll never forget his reply.

He told me not to take the blame for my husband’s affair, and that nothing I had done could justify his infidelity. He advised me to stand up and be firm with him, even though it would be difficult. It was, he said, the only way to save our marriage. We agreed that divorce was not the answer, even though I had scriptural grounds to leave him. I decided to pay the price to confront my husband.

A few months later the crisis came. I gave Milan an ultimatum--either go with the other woman or stay with me. He could not have both of us any longer. I put my hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye and said, “You know you are to blame for what has happened to us. You committed adultery, I didn’t.” I told him if he loved the other woman more than me, then he should leave. I would accept it. I reminded him that he had a soul and would someday answer to God.

Milan not only broke off the affair, but he later thanked me for having the courage to stick it out with him through this difficult time. It was not easy but we worked it out and our family survived.

Since then, God has blessed us tremendously. The Lord helped me forgive Milan, reminding me that He had also forgiven so many of my sins. We are now back in the ministry in Oregon, and my husband is more effective for God than he has ever been. Our three children have adjusted well. I shielded them from hate for the church or disrespect for their father. They love their dad so much.

Yes, Dr. Dobson, “Love must be tough!” Had I given up and taken the easy way out, our story would not have had such a happy ending. It took hard work, struggle, and prayer, but the Lord put our home back together. At first I thought I would never be able to smile again, but He has removed the clouds and brought us sunshine once more.

Isn’t that an inspirational letter? It should be obvious why I wanted to share it in this context. Unfortunately, adultery among the clergy is becoming increasingly common. Ministers are usually busy men in high-pressure positions that limit the amount of time they can spend with their families. When that strain at home is combined with the natural access ministers have to admiring women, the temptations for indiscretion are apparent. The same condition prevails in my profession, as well. One study revealed that 25 percent of female students in secular schools of psychology have slept with their major professors during graduate training. What an incredible commentary that is on the moral state of the so-called “helping sciences”!

Let’s turn now to another letter that came in response to the same series of broadcasts. It is representative of hundreds that were received.

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I listened to your radio program last week and was so glad to hear you tell a person how to handle adultery by a spouse. I went through this during the past two years. My first counselor told me to be kind, loving, etc., and to win him back by my pleasantness. It didn’t work. Things got worse until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

That’s when I went to another counselor and also sought the advice of my pastor. They both advised me to be strong, as you suggested. It was so different and seemed unscriptural, yet the Lord used them to teach me how to cope with the situation. Gradually, I felt better about myself and my self- respect returned. Then the Lord brought my husband back. It has been almost a year now since we started over and things are going well. I want to encourage you to keep up the advice that love must be tough. It is hard to let go--especially when you are so confused and hurt. But it was only when I did turn loose that the Lord worked more in my husband’s life.

If you ever print that series off messages, send me a copy please.

In Christ, Lonna

Admittedly, these letters sound like phony Cinderella stories designed to support my particular biases. However, they represent real letters on file from living, breathing people who exist somewhere out there in the American culture. (I have changed some of the details to conceal the identities of the writers and to eliminate irrelevant comments.) The majority of the responses I received to the Love Must Be Tough broadcasts were like the ones I have shared--strong testimonials for the advice I’ve offered. Not every marriage was saved, of course. I am certainly no magician and the application of toughness does not remove the free will off a wayward spouse. But even when divorce was reported by those who wrote, the advantages of quiet self-respect as opposed to unbridled panic were usually apparent.

Finally, let’s look at a letter from a woman who saw herself in the examples I gave. Her husband is holding her by force and she is disrespecting him in return. I found this response interesting from one who represents the other side of the coin.

Dear Friend,

I listened in amazement to your radio program, “Love Must Be Tough,” and saw my own marriage in your discussion. I have known it was troubled but didn’t understand why. Now it is clear.

You see, I have had many of the disrespectful attitudes toward my husband that you described (did you read my mind?). I have been embarrassed by him in public because he is not a good conversationalist and because he seems so dumb (although he is not). I was actually ashamed to be with him!

On the other hand, you described my husband correctly, too. He has had a stranglehold of control over me, resenting any friendships or commitments I’ve had outside the home.

I can see now that we were responding to each other’s attitudes without a word being spoken about either. I was feeling stifled and he was feeling rejected.

Although I have not sought an extramarital affair, I can see now that I have been a prime candidate for one. I don’t want that for myself or my family! Mixed in with my feelings is the low self-esteem you talked about, too.

We have a Christian counseling center here in St. Louis which I have consulted in the past. A counselor there told me some of the same things you said on the radio, but I was not ready to hear them. Now I am. I believe God used your comments to open my eyes to our problems so that He can heal them.

I thank God for the power and strength of your ministry and the way He is using it to speak to my needs. Facing oneself is not easy, but the growth that results is exciting. How many times that old adage, “Ignorance is bliss,” has been shown to be so much nonsense in my life.

Love, Charlotte