By Sharon May, Ph.D. and Alan Hart, MS, MAT
You and your spouse, if you are like most couples, are similar in some ways but very different in other ways. You see eye to eye on certain things and have very different opinions on others. Key to a connected marriage is not to try to change each other's views so that you agree on everything, but rather to be aware of the impact your differences may have on the way you view each other.
Your spouse values and appreciates you. But there are certain things your spouse would like for you to change. Does that come as a surprise?
We all have our best side. And when that best version of who we are steps out first, we are seen as great people. Yet when our weaknesses or flaws show up, our spouse is often the first one to notice them and we are the last ones to admit to them. Why? Because the fear of being seen in a bad light—and perhaps rejected—keeps us from being vulnerable about our flaws.
In the Germanic language of Afrikaans, "I love you" is expressed by the words, "Ek het jou lief." Which literally means, "I hold your heart." What a powerful way to say, "You know I love you because I will hold your heart."
What your wife would like you to bring home at the end of each day (as most wives would also want from their husbands) is your attention. Not the kind of attention you give when something is spilled, messed up or needs fixing. Rather, the positive attention you give your wife when something nice about her catches your eye: You notice her, you turn your face and shoulders in her direction; and with an open mind and heart, you give her your full attention. That is, you are emotionally present and engaged.
Stay at home. Have a good reason to leave home if you do. Stay at least 6 feet away from others whenever possible. Don’t gather in groups of more than ten. This is a very unique time for us all. Especially for those of us trying to “be there” for meaningful life events. How are we to celebrate weddings, baby showers, births, birthdays, graduations… or love on aging parents in a nursing home or respectfully grieve at a funeral?
Would you and your spouse consider each other to be a safe haven? Do you trust him or her to care for you and hold your heart? In your experience, has your spouse been there for you, attempted to understand you, and always treated you in a considerate and kind manner?
Your family is probably like mine: nestled at home, washing hands constantly, using toilet paper sparingly, accepting strict limits to going out and about... We are all changing our lives in hopes of slowing down the spread of the coronavirus (COVID-19).
I looked up at my reflection in the window as I did the dishes. "Did you see the attitude of my husband?" I complained to God, anticipating compassionate agreement. I heard God say to me instead, "Right now, all I see is your attitude, Sharon; and it is filled with defensiveness and resentment." I was shocked.
We all long to be heard, understood and have our views matter. Especially within a marriage. To be emotionally present and listen to your spouse with the intention of really understanding what he or she is feeling, thinking and saying is a stepping stone to fostering a close and connected marital relationship.
You are probably at home. Honoring the stay-at-home order, hoping it will slow down the COVID-19 virus while treatments are found and much-needed medical supplies are produced. Family life was changed, instantly, as businesses sent workers home, schools sent students home, and then we were all asked or ordered to stay at home.
How are you and your family handling the COVID-19 crisis? So many changes and so many emotions! We would like to offer a quick checklist to help you and those around you deal with these challenges in the best way possible.
Are your disagreements with your spouse productive? Are you both able to be heard and understood, and work together for a solution that benefits the 'us' of your marriage? Or do your differences tend to escalate and get stuck in a negative argument cycle?
Can you trust your spouse to be there for you, no matter what? Do you sense that he or she understands and values you? Despite any hardships your marriage may endure, do you believe your spouse always cares for you? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you have what is called a safe haven marriage.
"I didn't expect us to argue when we got married," is a statement we have heard many couples say during our Safe Haven Marriage intensives. Unrealistically, couples often believe that to 'not argue' is a sign of a happy marriage. Actually, 'not arguing' is not an ingredient of a healthy marriage. Research has found that 'not talking' is hurtful to a marriage.
Have there been times when your spouse hurt you, and in your effort to share your hurt, you became angry? And in response to your anger, your spouse became defensive and pushed you away? The exact opposite of what you really wanted and needed! Why does your hurt too often get mixed with anger when all you want is for your spouse to understand you?
When we belong to a healthy community comprised of loving people, we do better in life. And so, what kind of a resolution would have the most impact on your life this year? How about a resolution to love better?
It is a time when our hearts overflow with joy and kindness. But it is also a time filled with stress regarding the rush of presents, dinners, decorations and yes, disappointments. Why disappointments? Because we all place on Christmas the pressure to bring great joy, hoping it fills the air with nostalgic sights, sounds and tastes.
Christmas can be a joyful holiday, but for many couples, it is the most difficult one. Christmas often triggers conflict, filling December days with disappointments, disagreements and disconnection.
The Christmas season isn't supposed to be disappointing. But it often is! Around every corner are sights of nativity scenes, Christmas trees, Santa's reindeers and the smells of cinnamon and pine cones. Christmas is near. But so are family gatherings, parties and presents. And these are all set-ups for disappointments.
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Sharon May, Ph.D. is the originator of the highly successful Safe Haven Marriage Intensives for couples and founder of the Safe Haven Relationship Center in Carlsbad, California. She is passionate about helping couples grow so they can love well and flourish in life. Sharon, together with Alan Hart, conducts Safe Haven 2-4 day private couple intensives, and the Safe Haven grow2gether group intensive seminars for couples. The intensives help couples get unstuck from their negative argument cycles, heal hurts and foster an emotionally connected marriage. A good marriage fosters a healthy family and positively impacts all areas of life. Sharon is author of How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen, and co-author with her father, Dr Archibald Hart, of Safe Haven Marriage. Sharon and her husband, Mike, enjoy life with their 4 grown sons, daughter in-laws, and amazing grandchildren.
Alan Hart, MS, MAT, holds graduate degrees in Theology and Marriage and Family Therapy, from Fuller Graduate School. Alan is Sharon's son and regularly serves as an editorial assistant and contributor to her blogs. He lectures, writes, and works with families and couples conducting private Safe Haven Marriage Intensives and grow2gether Seminars at Safe Haven Relationship Center. He and his wife, Terra (a psychiatric NP), are in the midst of raising 2 young children and believe people do best when part of a healthy community. You can learn more or listen to Sharon and Alan's podcast on loving well at safehavenrelationshipcenter.com or email grow@havenofsafety.com.
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