By Sharon May, Ph.D. and Alan Hart, MS, MAT
You are probably at home. Honoring the stay-at-home order, hoping it will slow down the COVID-19 virus while treatments are found and much-needed medical supplies are produced. Family life was changed, instantly, as businesses sent workers home, schools sent students home, and then we were all asked or ordered to stay at home.
How are you and your family handling the COVID-19 crisis? So many changes and so many emotions! We would like to offer a quick checklist to help you and those around you deal with these challenges in the best way possible.
Are your disagreements with your spouse productive? Are you both able to be heard and understood, and work together for a solution that benefits the 'us' of your marriage? Or do your differences tend to escalate and get stuck in a negative argument cycle?
Can you trust your spouse to be there for you, no matter what? Do you sense that he or she understands and values you? Despite any hardships your marriage may endure, do you believe your spouse always cares for you? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you have what is called a safe haven marriage.
"I didn't expect us to argue when we got married," is a statement we have heard many couples say during our Safe Haven Marriage intensives. Unrealistically, couples often believe that to 'not argue' is a sign of a happy marriage. Actually, 'not arguing' is not an ingredient of a healthy marriage. Research has found that 'not talking' is hurtful to a marriage.
Have there been times when your spouse hurt you, and in your effort to share your hurt, you became angry? And in response to your anger, your spouse became defensive and pushed you away? The exact opposite of what you really wanted and needed! Why does your hurt too often get mixed with anger when all you want is for your spouse to understand you?
When we belong to a healthy community comprised of loving people, we do better in life. And so, what kind of a resolution would have the most impact on your life this year? How about a resolution to love better?
It is a time when our hearts overflow with joy and kindness. But it is also a time filled with stress regarding the rush of presents, dinners, decorations and yes, disappointments. Why disappointments? Because we all place on Christmas the pressure to bring great joy, hoping it fills the air with nostalgic sights, sounds and tastes.
Christmas can be a joyful holiday, but for many couples, it is the most difficult one. Christmas often triggers conflict, filling December days with disappointments, disagreements and disconnection.
The Christmas season isn't supposed to be disappointing. But it often is! Around every corner are sights of nativity scenes, Christmas trees, Santa's reindeers and the smells of cinnamon and pine cones. Christmas is near. But so are family gatherings, parties and presents. And these are all set-ups for disappointments.
How does the way we were loved and cared for growing up impact the way we get along in marriage, and even the way we parent? We were born into a family and there, in the loving arms of our first important relationships, we learned about love, life, ourselves and others. These relationships are a template for how we will love throughout our life.
How emotionally connected are you and your spouse? Is your marriage one where you feel understood, and in which arguments can be resolved? Where you trust each other with your hearts? Or instead, do you find yourselves disconnected, with resentment accumulating from unresolved conflict? Do you feel alone, even though you've been married for years?
Often when stressed, depressed or overwhelmed with life, we isolate ourselves, cutting ourselves off from our most powerful life-giving resource: close friends. Research shows over and over again that when we have close, connected relationships in our life, we do better. We are able to manage the stress, struggles, and strains that life brings our way knowing that someone is there to listen, understand and help us get through it.
Adjusting to the changes in a family when a child gets married is often just as difficult for parents as it is for adult children. There is no textbook on how to balance between 'leaving' to establish one's own family while 'staying connected' to one's family of origin. The journey can place stress on the young couple's marriage and be a source of grief for the parents.
Couples in a stress-filled or difficult marriage are often working on repairing arguments and trying to use kinder ways to express their views, while couples in an emotionally destructive marriage hardly ever repair and instead live silently hurting and crushed. What is the difference between a difficult marriage and an emotionally destructive marriage? How do you know when your marriage has crossed the line and become emotionally destructive?
It is the end of the week. Finally, it's date night. Work can wait until Monday. Kids have a babysitter. It's you and your sweetie. Time to relax, talk, laugh and unwind together. Then it happens. An argument ruins the night.
What kind of marriage do you have? One filled with life stressors? Are you so different you wonder if you should be together? Always conflictual? Or disconnected living parallel lives? We all marry with the hopes of carving out a good life with our spouse. We don't envision being unhappy in our marriage. Yet, at one time or another, for whatever reasons, all couples will go through hardships in their life and marriage.
How many of us really do feel that if our spouse could only hear our complaints, life would be so much better? Which begs the question why, then, is it so hard for our husband or wife to hear our complaints?
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Sharon May, Ph.D. is the originator of the highly successful Safe Haven Marriage Intensives for couples and founder of the Safe Haven Relationship Center in Carlsbad, California. She is passionate about helping couples grow so they can love well and flourish in life. Sharon, together with Alan Hart, conducts Safe Haven 2-4 day private couple intensives, and the Safe Haven grow2gether group intensive seminars for couples. The intensives help couples get unstuck from their negative argument cycles, heal hurts and foster an emotionally connected marriage. A good marriage fosters a healthy family and positively impacts all areas of life. Sharon is author of How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen, and co-author with her father, Dr Archibald Hart, of Safe Haven Marriage. Sharon and her husband, Mike, enjoy life with their 4 grown sons, daughter in-laws, and amazing grandchildren.
Alan Hart, MS, MAT, holds graduate degrees in Theology and Marriage and Family Therapy, from Fuller Graduate School. Alan is Sharon's son and regularly serves as an editorial assistant and contributor to her blogs. He lectures, writes, and works with families and couples conducting private Safe Haven Marriage Intensives and grow2gether Seminars at Safe Haven Relationship Center. He and his wife, Terra (a psychiatric NP), are in the midst of raising 2 young children and believe people do best when part of a healthy community. You can learn more or listen to Sharon and Alan's podcast on loving well at safehavenrelationshipcenter.com or email grow@havenofsafety.com.
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