Romantic love is one of those rare human endeavors that succeeds best when it requires the least effort. Those who work the hardest at it are the most likely to fail.

I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession.

How many times have I seen a bored, tired relationship become a torrent of desire and longing the moment one partner rejects the other and walks out? After years of apathy, the "dumpee" suddenly burns with romantic desire and desperate hope. [No matter what happens] it is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self respect in all romantic encounters.

Dr. and Shirley Dobson’s Story

An example of fickle emotions is illustrated by my early relationship with Shirley. When we first met, she was a lowly sophomore in college and I was a lofty senior. I viewed myself as a big man on campus, and my relationship with this young woman mattered little to me.

She, in turn, had been very successful with boys, and was greatly challenged by the independence I demonstrated. She wanted to win me primarily because she wasn't sure she could, but her enthusiasm inhibited my own interest in return.

After graduation, I said I wanted her to date other men while I was in the Army because I didn't plan to get married soon. I'll never forget her reaction.

I expected Shirley to cry and hold on to me. Instead, she said, "I've been thinking the same thoughts, and I would like to date other guys. Why don't we just go our separate ways, for now?"

Her answer rocked me.

For the first time in our relationship, she was moving away from me. What I didn't know was that Shirley stoically closed her front door and then cried all night.

I went away to the Army and returned to the University of Southern California for my graduate training. By this time, Shirley was an exalted senior and I was a collegiate has-been. She was homecoming queen, senior class president, a member of Who's Who in American Colleges and Universities, and one of the most popular girls in her class. And as might be expected, she suddenly looked very attractive to me.

I began to call several times a day and try to find ways to please my dream girl. However, the moment Shirley saw my enthusiasm and anxiety, her affection began to die. Gone was the challenge that had attracted her two years before. Instead, I had become just another fellow pounding on her door and asking for favors.

One day after a particularly uninspiring date, I sat down at a desk and spent two solid hours thinking about what was happening. And during the course of the introspection, I realized the mistake I was making.

I grabbed a pen and wrote 10 changes I was going to make in our relationship.

First, I was determined to demonstrate self-respect and dignity, even if I lost the one I now loved so deeply.

Second, I decided to convey this attitude every time I got the chance: "I am going somewhere in life, and I'm anxious to get there. I love you and hope you choose to go with me. If you do, I'll give myself to you and try to make you happy. However, if you choose not to make the journey with me, then I can't force my will on you. The decision is yours, and I'll accept it."

There were other elements to my new manner, but they all centered around self-confidence and independence.

The first night that I applied the new formula was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. The girl who is now my wife saw me starting to slip away on that evening, and she reacted with alarm.

We were riding in silence in my car, and Shirley asked me to pull over to the curb and stop. When I did she put her arms around my neck and said, "I'm afraid I'm losing you and I don't know why. Do you still love me?"

I noticed by the reflected light of the moon that she had tears in her eyes. She obviously didn't hear my thumping heart as I made a little speech about my solitary journey in life.

You see, I had reestablished the challenge for Shirley, and she responded beautifully. The psychological force, which produced our seesaw relationship, is an important one, since it is almost universal in human nature.

We crave that which we can't attain, but we disrespect that which we can't escape. This axiom is particularly relevant in romantic matters, and has probably influenced your love life, too.