In our efforts to understand the strong-willed child, we must ask ourselves why he or she is so fond of conflict. If given the opportunity to choose between war and peace, most of us would prefer tranquility. Yet the tough-minded kid goes through life like a runaway lawn mower. He'll chew up anything that gets in his way. The taller the grass, the better he survives and thrives. What makes him like that? What drives him to challenge his mother and defy his father? They are not his enemies. Why would he resist their loving leadership from the earliest days of childhood? Why does he seem to enjoy irritating his siblings and goading his neighbors? Why does he throw erasers when his teachers turn their backs and why won't he do his homework? Indeed, why can't he be like his compliant brothers and sisters?
These are interesting questions that I have pondered for years. Now I believe I'm beginning to understand some of the motivating forces that drive the strong-willed kid to attack his world. Deep within his or her spirit is a raw desire for power. We can define power in this context as control--control of others, control of our circumstances and, especially, control of ourselves. The strong-willed child is not the only one who seeks power, of course. He differs from the rest of the human family only in degree, not in kind. We all want to be the boss and that desire is evident in very young children. Remember the toddler who rode his tricycle into the street and shouted angrily at his mother? The real issue between them was a matter of power and who would hold it. We see the same struggle when an adolescent slams doors and flees in his car, or when a husband and wife fight over finances, or when an elderly woman refuses to move to a nursing home. The common thread is the desire to run our own lives—and that of everyone else if given the chance. We vary in intensity of this impulse, as we will see, but it seems to motivate all of us to one degree or an other.
The desire for control appears to have its roots in the very early hours after birth. Studies of newborns indicate that they typically "reach" for the adults around them on the first or second day of life. By that I mean they behave in ways designed to entice their guardians to meet their needs. Some will perfect the technique in the years that follow.
Even mature adults who ought to know better are usually involved in power games with other people. It happens whenever human interests collide, but it is especially prevalent in families. Husbands, wives, children, siblings, in-laws and parents all have reason to manipulate each other. It is fascinating to sit back and watch them push, pull and twist. In fact, I've identified sixteen techniques that are used to obtain power in another person's life. Perhaps you will think of additional approaches as you read the list that follows:
1. Emotional Blackmail: "Do what I want or I'll get very angry and go all to pieces."
2. The Guilt Trip: "How could you do this to me after I've done so much for you?"
3. Divine Revelation: "God told me you should do what I want."
4. The Foreclosure: "Do what I want or I won't pay the bills."
5. The Bribe: "Do what I want and I'll make it worth your time."
6. By Might and by Power: "Shut up and do what I tell you!"
7. The Humiliation: "Do what I want or I'll embarrass you at home and abroad."
8. The Eternal Illness: "Don't upset me. Can't you see I'm sick?"
9. Help from Beyond the Grave: "Your dear father (or mother) would have agreed with me."
10. The Adulterous Threat: "Do what I want or I'll find someone who will."
11. The In-law Ploy: "Do what I want and I'll be nice to your sweet mother."
12. The Seduction: "I'll make you an offer you can't afford to refuse," or as Mae West said to Cary Grant, "Why doncha come up and see me some time?" She also said she used to be Snow White but she drifted.
Special approaches used by adolescents:
13. Teenage Terror: "Leave me alone or I'll pull a stupid adolescent stunt" (suicide, drugs, booze, wrecking the car or hitch-hiking to San Francisco).
14. The Flunkout: "Let me do what I want or I'll get myself booted out of Woodrow Wilson Junior High School."
15. Fertile Follies: "Do what I want or I'll present you with a baby!" (This threat short-circuits every nerve in Parent's body.)
16. The Tranquilizer: "Do what I want and I won't further complicate your stressful life."
Manipulation! It's a game any number can play, right in the privacy of your own home. The objective is to obtain power over the other players, as we have seen. It will come as no surprise to parents, I'm sure, that children can be quite gifted at power games. That is why it is important for mothers and fathers to consider this characteristic as they attempt to interpret childish behavior. Another level of motivation lies below the surface issues that seemingly cause conflicts between generations. For example, when a three-year-old runs away in a supermarket, or when a nine-year-old refuses to straighten his room, or when a twelve-year-old continues to bully his little brother, or when a sixteen-year-old smokes cigarettes or drinks liquor, they are making individual statements about power. Their rebellious behavior usually represents more than a desire to do what is forbidden. Rather, it is an expression of independence and self-assertion. It is also a rejection of adult authority, and therein lies the significance for us.
Power games begin in earnest when children are between twelve and fifteen months of age. Some get started even earlier. If you've ever watched a very young child continue to reach for an electric plug or television knob while his mother shouts, "No!", you've seen an early power game in progress. It is probably not a conscious process at this stage, but later it will be. I'm convinced that a strong-willed child of three or older is inclined to challenge his mom and dad whenever he believes he can win. He will carefully choose the weapons and select the turf on which the contest will be staged. I've called these arenas "the battlefields of childhood."
One of the characteristics of those who acquire power very early is a prevailing attitude of disrespect for authority. It extends to teachers, ministers, policemen, judges and even to God Himself. Such an individual has never yielded to parental leadership at home.
Why should he submit himself to anyone else? For a rebellious teenager it is only a short step from there to drug abuse, sexual experimentation, running away, and so on. The early acquisition of power has claimed countless young victims by this very process.
What do we recommend, then? Should parents retain every vestige of power for as long as possible? No! Even with its risks, self-determination is a basic human right and we must grant it systematically to our children. To withhold that liberty too long is to incite wars of revolution. My good friend, Jay Kesler, observed that Mother England made that specific mistake with her children in the American colonies. They grew to become rebellious "teenagers" who demanded their freedom. Still she refused to release them and unnecessary bloodshed ensued. Fortunately, England learned a valuable lesson from that painful experience. Some 171 years later, she granted a peaceful and orderly transfer of power to another tempestuous offspring named India. Revolution was averted.
This, then, is our goal as parents: we must not transfer power too early, even if our children take us daily to the battlefield. Mothers who make that mistake are some of the most frustrated people on the face of the earth. On the other hand, we must not retain parental power too long, either. Control will be torn from our grasp if we refuse to surrender it voluntarily. The granting of self-determination should be matched stride for stride with the arrival of maturity, culminating with complete release during early adulthood.
Sounds easy, doesn't it? We all know better. I consider this orderly transfer of power to be one of the most delicate and difficult responsibilities in the entire realm of parenthood.
From Dr. Dobson’s book Parenting Isn’t For Cowards.
