By Sharon May, Ph.D. and Alan Hart, MS, MAT
Are your disagreements with your spouse productive? Are you both able to be heard and understood, and work together for a solution that benefits the 'us' of your marriage? Or do your differences tend to escalate and get stuck in a negative argument cycle?
Can you trust your spouse to be there for you, no matter what? Do you sense that he or she understands and values you? Despite any hardships your marriage may endure, do you believe your spouse always cares for you? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you have what is called a safe haven marriage.
"I didn't expect us to argue when we got married," is a statement we have heard many couples say during our Safe Haven Marriage intensives. Unrealistically, couples often believe that to 'not argue' is a sign of a happy marriage. Actually, 'not arguing' is not an ingredient of a healthy marriage. Research has found that 'not talking' is hurtful to a marriage.
By Dr. James Dobson
What, then, according to our seasoned panel of experts, is the single most important key to enjoying a successful marriage—the one thing most likely to guarantee a lifetime of intimacy and love?
By Tracey Russell
With one last, deep breath, I pulled out my wedding dress, the symbol of all my lost hopes and dreams. I held it and felt a surge of anger mask the pain as I clipped it to a clothes hanger and hooked it on a pole hanging from my front porch. There! The garage sale was complete! As the wedding dress flowed in the breeze, my life seemed to wave to every person there, "Here! Here! Come to the divorced woman's garage sale full of broken promises and damaged goods!"
Have there been times when your spouse hurt you, and in your effort to share your hurt, you became angry? And in response to your anger, your spouse became defensive and pushed you away? The exact opposite of what you really wanted and needed! Why does your hurt too often get mixed with anger when all you want is for your spouse to understand you?
How many of us really do feel that if our spouse could only hear our complaints, life would be so much better? Which begs the question why, then, is it so hard for our husband or wife to hear our complaints?
By Dr. Sheri Keffer
Conner loved me. Yet, Conner sexually acted out with other women, too. He had affairs, regularly used porn, and even engaged with prostitutes. His struggle wasn't a one-time event. It was a lifestyle of secret keeping. When I say lifestyle, I mean it was a day-in and-day-out problem of sexual infidelity over a long period of time. I felt gutted and trapped.
Question: Dr. Dobson, my husband is somewhat insensitive to my needs, but I believe he is willing to do better if I can teach him how I am different from him. Can you help me communicate my needs to him effectively?
By JT Waresak
Have you ever heard a husband, wife, dad, mom or grandparent make the statement, "Because that's what families do?" This comment usually precedes an act of sacrifice, unconditional love, or an outpouring of grace to another family member. It's stated with no fanfare in a very matter of fact manner and speaks to the unwavering love and commitment that is hard-wired into the relationships of a family. While it doesn't always happen, it is the way God designed it to be.
When we belong to a healthy community comprised of loving people, we do better in life. And so, what kind of a resolution would have the most impact on your life this year? How about a resolution to love better?
By Dr. Daniel Amen
Did you know that the way you think, act and interact with others can be dependent on how your brain functions? This has been determined by the largest database of brain scans related to behavior in the world at Amen Clinics. Through the evaluation of thousands of brain scans, we are now able to attribute certain brain patterns to how you relate to others, which can affect relationships.
By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Not all marital advice from pastors, counselors, and other professionals will apply perfectly for every couple across the board. Some are young and in love with no worries, while others are strong but struggling with life changes such as children or new jobs. Some may be empty nesters seeking to reinvigorate their relationship, others may be on the verge of divorce.
What kind of marriage do you have? One filled with life stressors? Are you so different you wonder if you should be together? Always conflictual? Or disconnected living parallel lives? We all marry with the hopes of carving out a good life with our spouse. We don't envision being unhappy in our marriage. Yet, at one time or another, for whatever reasons, all couples will go through hardships in their life and marriage.
By Dr. James and Shirley Dobson
A husband arrived home from work and found the washing machine spewing out suds, the refrigerator on the fritz, and crushed cereal nuggets scattered in every room. His three-year-old had the chicken pox, his eight- and ten-year-old boys complained of upset stomachs, and the baby was covered head to toe with melted chocolate chips. In the middle of this disaster scene was his wife, who managed a weary smile and muttered, “Welcome home.”
Flip Wilson once said, "If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I'd have the strength." There must be many women who agree with him, for Fatigue and Time Pressure rank as the second most frequent cause for depression among those completing my questionnaire. As I have journeyed across the United States, from the metropolitan centers to the farms of Iowa, I have found extremely busy people running faster and faster down the road to exhaustion. We have become a nation of huffers and puffers, racing through the day and moonlighting into the night. Even our recreation is marked by this breakneck pace.
The Christmas season isn't supposed to be disappointing. But it often is! Around every corner are sights of nativity scenes, Christmas trees, Santa's reindeers and the smells of cinnamon and pine cones. Christmas is near. But so are family gatherings, parties and presents. And these are all set-ups for disappointments.
Christmas can be a joyful holiday, but for many couples, it is the most difficult one. Christmas often triggers conflict, filling December days with disappointments, disagreements and disconnection.
Without a doubt, the best time of the year for shared memories is Christmas. Some of my happiest memories, both as a child and as an adult, have been rooted in the Christmas season.
How does the way we were loved and cared for growing up impact the way we get along in marriage, and even the way we parent? We were born into a family and there, in the loving arms of our first important relationships, we learned about love, life, ourselves and others. These relationships are a template for how we will love throughout our life.
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