Question: Dr. Dobson, tell me why it is inevitable for couples with good marriages to go through "flat spots" or "the blahs," and can you offer more advice about what to do when those times come?
Answer: Romantic love is an emotion, and as such, it has a way of coming and going. Emotions tend to oscillate from high to low to high, etc. One of the best ways to regenerate "that lovin' feeling" in the down times is to talk about the time and place when passion ran high. Do you recall those days when you just couldn't wait to see each other, and how each minute away seemed like an eternity? Recalling those moments together is one way to regenerate what you felt before.
Even better than talking about them is re-experiencing them. My wife and I celebrated a recent wedding anniversary by exploring what we called our "old haunts." On a single evening, we went to the Pasadena Playhouse, where we had our second date; we ate at the same restaurant for dinner, and the next week we visited the Farmer's Market where we used to stroll on lazy summer evenings. We talked about warm memories and relived the excitement of those days. It was a wonderful reprise.
Another suggestion is to return regularly to the kinds of romantic activities that drew you together in the first place. You need to put some fun and laughter into your lives, which otherwise can get dreary and oppressive.
A few years ago, Shirley and I found ourselves in that kind of situation where we had almost forgotten how to play. We finally got fed up and decided to do something about it. We loaded the car and headed for a winter wonderland in Mammoth, California. There we spent the weekend skiing and eating and laughing together. One night we built a fire in the fireplace and talked for hours while our favorite music played on the stereo. We felt like kids again.
The next time you feel that you're losing that closeness you once shared, try talking about your memories of earlier days and revisit the old haunts, sing the old songs, tell the old stories. It's the best bet to rekindle the sparks of romance that first drew you together. To keep a marriage vibrant and healthy, you simply have to give it some attention. Water the plant, place it in the sunlight, and it will grow. If you put it in a cold dark corner, however, it is likely to die.
With a little effort and creativity, you can keep the fireworks in your marriage . . . even when the Fourth of July has come and gone.
From Dr. Dobson’s book, Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide.
