We have become a nation of huffers and puffers, racing through the day and into the night. How frequently does your head spin with the obligations of an impossible "to do" list? We're too busy; everyone can see that. But what does a hectic pace have to do with depression?
Every obligation that we shirk is a source of guilt. When there are more commitments than we can possibly handle, our self-esteem is further damaged by each failure. "I'm really a lousy parent; I'm too exhausted to be a good wife; I'm disorganized and confused; I'm out of touch with the world around me and I don't have any real friends; even God is displeased with me." Truly, overextended lives contribute to emotional pathology in numerous ways.
Physical depletion renders us less able to cope with the noisiness of children, the dishwasher that won't work, and the thousands of other minor irritations of everyday living. When you are tired you are attacked by ideas you thought you had conquered long ago. Perhaps this explains why women and men who are grossly overworked become cowards--whining, griping, and biting those whom they love the most.
If fatigue and time pressure produce such a strain, then why do we permit ourselves to become so busy? Well, for one thing, everyone apparently thinks his hectic pace is a temporary problem. I have heard all the reasons why "things are kind of tough right now." Here are the four most common for the young family:
1. Jerry just started this new business, so it'll take a few years to get it going.
2. Pete is in school for two more years, so I've been trying to work to help out with the finances.
3. We have a new baby in our house and you know what that means.
4. We just bought a new house, which we're fixing up ourselves.
To hear them tell it, there is a slower day coming, as soon as the present obligations are met. But you know it is an illusion. Their "temporary" pressures are usually sandwiched back to back with other temporary pressures, gradually developing into a long-term style of living.
From this discussion of the universal problem...fatigue and time pressure...what related concepts do wives most wish their husbands understood? It is my belief that feminine depression associated with the hustle and bustle of living could be reduced significantly if men comprehended and accepted these three ideas:
1. For some strange reason, human beings (and particularly women), tolerate stresses and pressure much more easily if at least one other person knows they are enduring it. The frustrations of raising small children and handling domestic duties would be much more manageable if their husbands acted like they comprehended it all. His awareness that his wife did an admirable job today will make it easier for her to repeat the assignment tomorrow. Instead, the opposite usually occurs. At least eight million husbands will stumble into the same unforgivable question tonight: "What did you do all day, Dear?" The very nature of the question implies that the little woman has been sitting on her rear-end watching television since arising at noon!
Everyone needs to know that he is respected for the way he meets his responsibilities. Husbands get this emotional nurture through job promotions, raises in pay, annual evaluations, and incidental praise during the workday. Women at home get it from their husbands—if they get it at all. The most unhappy wives and mothers are often those who handle their fatigue and time pressure in solitude, and their men are never very sure why they always act so tired.
2. The daily tasks of running a household can be managed; it is the accumulating projects that break women's backs. Periodically, someone has to clean the stove and refrigerator, and replace the shelf paper, and clean the windows. These kinds of cyclical responsibilities are always waiting in line for the attention of a busy mother, and prevent her from ever feeling "caught up." It is my belief that most families can afford to hire outside help to handle these projects, and the money would be well spent for such a purpose.
Most Americans maintain a "priority list" of things to purchase when enough money has been saved for that purpose. It is my conviction that domestic help for the mother of small children should appear on that priority list too. She will do a more efficient job in those tasks and be a better mother if she can share the load with someone else occasionally. More explicitly, I feel she should get out of the house completely for one day a week, doing something for sheer enjoyment. This seems more important to the happiness of the home than buying new drapes or a power saw for Dad.
3. Husbands and wives should constantly guard against overcommitment. Even worthwhile and enjoyable activities become damaging when they consume the last ounce of energy or the remaining free moments in the day. Though it is rarely possible for a busy family, everyone needs to waste some time every now and then to walk along kicking rocks and thinking pleasant thoughts. Men need time to putter in the garage and women need to do girl things. But as I have described, the whole world seems to conspire against such reconstructive activities. Even our vacations are hectic: "We have to reach St. Louis by sundown or we'll lose our reservations."
I can provide a simple prescription for a happier, healthier life. You must resolve to slow your pace; you must learn to say "no" gracefully; you must resist the temptation to chase after more pleasures, more hobbies, more social entanglements; you must "hold the line" with the tenacity of a tackle for a professional football team. In essence, three questions should be asked about every new activity that presents itself: Is it worthy of our time? What will be eliminated if it is added? What will be its impact on our family life? My suspicion is that most of the items in our busy day would score rather poorly on this three-item test.
From Dr. Dobson's book What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women.